After dictators Xi Jinping, Vladimir Putin, and Kim Jong-un spent their time recently marching through Beijing like extras in a bad Cold War sequel, President Donald J. Trump announced plans to respond with the only thing bigger, brighter, and louder than three dictators in matching hats: America’s 250th anniversary bash in 2026. Yes, it’s now going to be an even bigger party than he had already planned.

“This will make their little parade look like a Chuck E. Cheese birthday party,” Trump promised. “We’re talking fireworks so massive Elon Musk will have to move his satellites. It’s going to be the BIGGEST bicentennial blowout in history – BIGGER than the Super Bowl, bigger than WrestleMania, BIGGER than anything anybody’s ever seen. Xi will CRY, Putin will sulk, and Kim will beg for a lollipop.”

Oops… maybe Trump shouldn’t have mentioned Chuck E. Cheese considering that the rat was recently was arrested for alleged credit card theft.

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Trump teased many “parade innovations” designed to assert dominance next year including:

  • Bald Eagles with Lasers: Because fireworks alone aren’t enough, eagles equipped with LED talons will dive-bomb in synchronized red-white-and-blue patterns.
  • Trump Force One Flyover: Air Force One will skywrite “AMERICA FIRST!” as they fly over the parade while blaring Lee Greenwood at 900 decibels.
  • Golden Throne Finale Float: A massive float carrying Trump himself will be the highlight of the parade, with the MAGA president seated on a golden throne, waving like a king with a flag in one hand, Diet Coke in the other.

And of course, no Trump production is complete without a little product placement. Sources confirm the parade floats will include a golden McDonald’s french fry tower, a 40-foot golf club, and a working replica of Mar-a-Lago “so Xi can see what real architecture looks like.”

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Critics pointed out that military parades are often used by dictators to show off power. Trump countered: “But when I do it, it’s called patriotism. TREMENDOUS difference. The BEST difference.”

So, while Xi, Putin, and Kim were strutting around the best of pals acting like they were auditioning for a Soviet boy band reunion, Trump’s has been gearing up to drop the mic with a party so loud it’ll rattle the Kremlin’s chandeliers.