CELESTIAL REALMS – According to celestial tipsters close to the situation, Heaven’s golden boy Charlie Kirk has delivered a divine memo straight from the pearly gates. After meeting with Archangels gathered around a golden conference table with a MAGA logo, Kirk put together a scroll of names to be delivered to earthly power brokers which says, “America, it’s time to clean house.”

At the top of the sacred firing list this week was unfunny comedian Jimmy Kimmel who was escorted out of ABC studios by what eyewitnesses describe as “a cherub with a pink slip.”

Kimmel was given the boot for mocking the victim of an assassination (who does that?!). The move was apparently a comedy HR violation up in heaven. Late comedy legend George Burns said, “I’ve been up here a long time. I thought I’d seen every bad joke, but Kimmel managed to make eternity feel longer.”

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However, the list of people Kirk plans to get fired for all eternity doesn’t stop at Kimmel. After reviewing the cards in St. Peter’s complaint box, Kirk and his angelic posse made some very easy decisions – and now their heaven-approved unemployment tour is only just beginning:

The Heavenly Firing List

  1. Joy Behar – Christian choirs have complained that her cackling laugh drowns out their harps – and she’s just unattractive to look at.
  2. Former Biden press secretary Jen Psaki – The “First Amendment Clarity Committee” in the Promised Land ruled 12–0 to put Lyin’ Jen on the list, citing “hazardous levels of double-talk and excessive spin.”
  3. Keith Olbermann – God reportedly sighed, “Again?! Why is he still a thing?”
  4. Hollywood Writers Guild – Jesus himself reportedly put these folks on the list declaring, “Too much talk about avocado toast, Trump and MAGA, not enough about eternal truths.”
  5. MSNBC Panelists (all of them) – Heaven ruled they can only broadcast exclusively from purgatory’s food court between the Orange Julius and the Chick-fil-A – and only on CB radios.
  6. Rachel Maddow – Fired after the Saints Union Local 144 in heaven complained her delusional monologues were longer than the Book of Psalms.
  7. Adam Schiff – Plans are being made to expel Shifty Schiff from Congress after angels said they couldn’t handle another 12-hour PowerPoint about Trump tyranny with no evidence.

Yes, Heaven’s Patience Department finally snapped and decided, “Why wait for Judgment Day when we can start the firings now?” And at the helm is Charlie Kirk, clipboard in hand, grinning like the archangel of accountability. Turns out even eternity has its limits — and Charlie’s heavenly pink-slip parade is just getting warmed up.