And in what experts are calling “the most aggressive display of dysfunction” since the Great Toilet Paper Shortage of 2020, elderly elitist White Baby Boomer Democrats took to the streets again this week to protest President Trump’s latest string of history-making accomplishments.

1. Trump Cures Cancer – “Too Problematic”

After announcing that every known form of cancer had been eradicated, Trump was met with chants of “You’re killing Big Pharma” and “Oncologists need jobs too!” Democrats took to the streets insisting that Trump’s cure is “racist toward disease communities” and they accused Trump of setting up tyrannical cancer relocation encampments after forcing cancer cells out of their biological homes.

2. Trump Arrests 5 Million Murderers – “Mass Incarceration!”

Following the largest crime sweep in history, Trump declared Americans streets safe for children to play hopscotch again. Democrats called the move “authoritarian” and “fascist” demanding the immediate release of “non-violent” murderers and forming a non-profit to provide them with therapy goats and yoga retreats.

3. Trump Uses the Sun to Power Everything – “Climate Colonialism!”

In a move that ended dependence on fossil fuels forever, Trump unveiled a nationwide solar grid. Democrats objected, claiming that “harvesting sunlight without consent” was unethical and warning that “solar privilege” would deepen the divide between those with windows and those without.

4. Trump Fixes Every Road and Bridge in America – “Infrastructure Gentrification!”

With potholes filled and bridges no longer crumbling beneath us, Democrats were outraged that “the authentic urban driving experience” was being erased. One protester in Michigan, standing in front of a brand-new bridge and paved road, sobbed, “Governor Gretchen Whiter was supposed to fix the ‘damn’ roads and Trump didn’t give her enough time!!!”

5. Trump Deploys an Iron Dome Over America – “Warmongering Weather Control!”

After installing a weather/missile-defense system that guarantees no nuclear attack will ever touch American soil (as well as no tornadoes or floods), Democrats warned it could “offend” Mother Nature and countries that might someday want to nuke the U.S. They accused Trump of “defensive aggression” and putting EMS responders out of work because they are no longer needed to rescue people from their rooftops after hurricanes.

6. Trump Offers Free College, Free Pot, and Universal Income – “Suspiciously Generous!”

Even after announcing free tuition, nationwide marijuana legalization, and $100,000 yearly for every citizen, protests raged. Democrats argued the Trump policies are a “Russian plot,” insisting that Americans would now be “too happy to vote correctly.” In a statement, Trump shrugged off the criticism: “They’d protest if I gave them all free puppies.”

Within hours, reports confirmed that Trump had, in fact, given everyone free puppies. CNN immediately broke the headline: “Experts Warn Puppies Could Trigger Flea Pandemic.”