In a stunning revelation, Chelsea Clinton recently clarified that she didn’t leave the Baptist Church at age six merely over toddler-level policy disagreements about abortion. According to Clinton, the real issue was the institution’s stubborn attachment to a fixed moral code.

As she explained in a recent interview, the church’s unfortunate habit of labeling certain behaviors as “sin” created what she described as an “untenable environment for personal brand development” as a Clinton.

Clinton told the interviewer, “I remember sitting in that pew, clutching my juice box, thinking: Wait – I can’t sin here? What do you mean no temper tantrums? What do you mean ‘be kind to others’?”

Clinton reportedly threw up her hands and told church staffers, “That’s like, the opposite of my entire family brand!” before launching into an impromptu lecture on why abortion was not only acceptable, but practically a public service.

Sources close to the former child churchgoer say the breaking point came during Sunday school when Clinton was told that Jesus actually expects people to do the right thing – even when it’s inconvenient and doesn’t result in wealth creation. Witnesses say young Clinton stared at her construction-paper cross, slowly raised her hand, and asked, “You mean… all the time?” before realizing this particular church might not align with her long-term strategic goals.

After being told that scripture points to being a good person over taking bribes for political favors and killing witnesses who might produce problems in the future, that was the last straw for her. She reportedly sighed, gathered her crayons, and announced, “My family prefers a more flexible interpretation of the Bible,” before quietly updating her future Sunday plans.