Ah yes, January 1 – the annual reboot where we convince ourselves this is the year we finally become disciplined, hydrated, emotionally balanced humans. We write ambitious resolutions with the confidence of someone who has already forgotten how hard life actually is. And by January 4th? Most resolutions have quietly ghosted us – right next to that unopened water bottle and the yoga mat still in its original packaging.

Here are the Top Five New Year’s Resolutions We’ll All Break Before the First Weekend Is Over:

1. “I’m Going to Work Out Every Day.”
Translation: “I bought new leggings.” By Day 3, your legs hurt, your gym playlist is annoying, and suddenly walking to the fridge feels like cardio. You’ll promise to “start again Monday.” Which Monday? Unclear.

2. “I’m Cutting Back on Drinking.”
Said confidently on January 2 when you wake up from your hangover. This is undermined on January 3 when someone says, “Hey, want to grab a drink?” Next thing you know, you’re toasting to a “dry-ish January.”

3. “I’m Eating Better Food.”
This lasts until someone brings donuts into the office or your DoorDash app notifies you of a new pizza joint in town. Salads are abandoned faster than your new treadmill collecting dust in the corner of your living room.

4. “I’m Going to Save Money.”
Bold claim from someone who just spent $84 at Target and doesn’t know how. You swear off impulse buys – then the next thing you know Amazon is delivering a Cleveland Browns waffle iron that you ordered at 2 a.m. on January 5.

5. “I’m Logging Off Social Media.”
Sure you are. You’ll delete one app, keep three others, and somehow still know everyone’s business by lunch.

The truth? New Year’s resolutions aren’t about self-improvement. They’re about optimism – briefly believing we’re one calendar flip away from becoming our best selves. And honestly? That optimism is kind of beautiful…even if it only lasts about three days.