President Donald J. Trump has reportedly declared war on more than just foreign drug- trafficking boats. Apparently, your grandmother’s entire sock drawer is now at risk.

On Friday, Trump announced that the next target of his naval firepower would be: “All of the nation’s AARP-eligible storage spaces in America suspected of harboring dirty laundry and WHO KNOWS what else.”

A leaked Pentagon memo reportedly confirmed that spare socks, moth-eaten sweaters, and even suspiciously dusty photo albums are being treated as “high-value narcotics infrastructure.” Dozens of admirals have been sworn in to hunt down leftover Kleenex cozies and holiday sweaters with elves and reindeer affixed to them – because who knows what contraband-level horrors old people are hiding behind their smiling felt reindeer.

Critics are calling the new initiative a new low in the conflation of national security and household storage policing. “Today it’s drug-smuggling boats and grandma’s closets,” one human-rights lawyer told reporters, “tomorrow it’ll be pacifiers and garden gnomes.”

In Washington, lawmakers expressed concern that the Trump administration’s legal reasoning – previously stretched to justify sinking unarmed vessels – may soon be applied to “old tchotchkes” and “Aunt Karen’s crochet doilies.” After all, now that Trump has decided to reclassify domestic closets as theaters of war, he’s only an executive order away from carpet-bombing Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi’s linen closet at 3 a.m.

At press time..the Pentagon assured everyone that no Americans are in immediate danger “unless their storage spaces contain something weird,” which, based on early estimates, is roughly 97% of households in the United States.