A new Talker Research survey of 2,000 Americans just confirmed what we all pretty much knew – Americans are terrible at keeping friends. But honestly, can you blame us? Between the political landmines and the army of liberals still suffering from chronic TDS (Trump Derangement Syndrome), some friendships were bound to hit the unfriend button.

The average American now has a grand total of 3.6 close buddies. Experts say that number keeps shrinking every year, like a diet promise after January 1st – with Americans losing about one friendship annually.

The 3.6 number is higher than the Democrats’ current approval rating and “3.6 more friends than Sleepy Joe has,” says President Donald J. Trump.

President Trump scoffs at the survey saying that he makes 3.6 new friends every hour. “People love me,” Trump says. “Even my enemies love me – they just won’t admit it.”

Political analysts immediately began speculating who Trump’s 3.6 closest friends might be:

1. The manager at the McDonald’s nearest the White House, who knows his order by heart.
2. The loyal aide who brings him Diet Coke via the big red emergency button – the real unsung hero of both of the Trump presidencies.
3. The Fox News host who texts him “great segment, Mr. President!” even after bad interviews.
4. The 0.6 friend: The night owl on Truth Social who likes all of the president’s posts between 2 and 3 a.m. and calls him “sir.”

Meanwhile, Biden’s friends list reportedly includes a teleprompter, a pair of aviator sunglasses, and the ice cream guy at Baskin-Robbins – and that’s on a good day.

In the end, Trump’s friend circle proves one thing: it’s not about having a lot of friends – it’s about having the right ones – the kind who’ll answer your 2 a.m. call and show up with a Big Mac and Diet Coke like it’s a national emergency. Because it is.