In a shocking development that has left Washington, Hollywood, and Sesame Street scrambling for PR help, the latest Epstein files dropped today – and the names inside are so bizarre that even conspiracy theorists are begging for a time-out.

According to the documents, the Department of Justice uncovered a guest list of Epstein visitors featuring “influential figures, cultural icons, and at least one creature made entirely of felt.”

Sources say Big Bird is “cooperating fully,” but insists his presence on Epstein’s island was a misunderstanding. In a statement released through Sesame Street Legal, he clarified he was simply “looking for Snuffleupagus, who disappeared at a very inconvenient moment.” Elmo, when reached for comment, said only, “Elmo innocent. Elmo declines to answer questions at this time. Leave Elmo alone.”

The newly released Epstein files reportedly lists the following guests…

• Three Muppets, all claiming diplomatic immunity. No names were released except Big Bird.
• The Geico Gecko, who allegedly told investigators he was only there “to save 15% or more on flight insurance.”
• Two Teletubbies, though experts still cannot confirm which ones, as they “all look suspiciously complicit.”
• Bigfoot, prompting cryptozoologists to have to celebrate this as “the first verified Bigfoot sighting.”
• A Roomba, raising questions about whether the island had a cleaning staff or if the vacuum was there for a reason.

Meanwhile, several human public figures issued strongly worded statements assuring Americans that their signatures in the travel logs were “misinterpreted,” “for research,” or “AI-generated.”

The White House has declined to comment, citing the need to “review all puppet-related evidence.”

As for the rest of the names in the files? Investigators warn: “If you thought the guest list was bad, wait until you see who ordered room service.”