In a desperate scramble to pretend they aren’t evil people and to control the narrative after the assassination of conservative activist Charlie Kirk, Democrats have begun swearing to God – or whichever deity, yoga spirit, or kale crystal they currently pray to – that his alleged killer, Terror Robiscum, is a Republican.

“Look, the guy is white. Case closed,” insisted Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez while clutching a reusable oat-milk latte tumbler covered in diamonds. “I heard that he drove a pickup truck, ate venison jerky, and went fishing. Hello? That’s MAGA 101.”

Democrats across the country quickly piled on with their own “evidence.” MSNBC solemnly reported that Robiscum “once wore camouflage at least twice” and also appeared in a red sweater on Christmas Day 2022. A CNN host added, “He enjoyed casting a line into the lake with his dad at least once every summer,” which, according to their experts, “screams insurrectionist.”

“This isn’t about facts,” admitted an unnamed DNC strategist. “It’s about vibes. And this guy’s vibes are all MAGA GOP Trump lover. He didn’t have rainbow hair, and we couldn’t find a single TikTok dance on his account. So, what else could he be?”

Meanwhile, conservative critics noted that actual evidence points to the alleged assassin as being an Antifa-adjacent leftist nutjob with possible pro-trans leanings. Democrats quickly dismissed any actual proof of that as “deepfake MAGA disinformation probably planted by Russians.”

Former White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre doubled down on the allegations from her electric bike saying: “Joe Biden wants the American people to know – this assassin was definitely, maybe, probably a Republican. Unless he wasn’t. But we feel it in our truth.”

At press time, Democrats were preparing a candlelight vigil outside Bass Pro Shops, Waffle Houses, and Cracker Barrels to protest the dangerous radicalization of white people into dangerous MAGA slayers. They also cleared their calendars, staging a sudden “safety hiatus” to sell the idea that MAGA is out to get them.