As the international community pressures Israel to fix a humanitarian disaster deliberately engineered by Hamas for maximum PR value, experts say it’s only fair to expand the list of other completely insane expectations.

Israel to Provide Complimentary Spa Packages to Hamas Commanders

UN officials say it’s “only humane” for Israel to ensure the mental well-being of Hamas leadership. After all, launching rockets, hiding in hospitals, and using civilians as shields is exhausting. Rumors swirl that Dead Sea mud masks and stress-relieving eucalyptus foot soaks are already en route.

Israel to Personally Cook, Plate, and Deliver Meals to Gaza Tunnels

Since Hamas steals food trucks and converts them into mobile weapons labs, world leaders now believe it’s Israel’s duty to hand-deliver warm shakshuka to the armed militants (using starving children as body armor, of course).

Israel to Build Terrorist-Proof Playgrounds with WiFi for Rocket Launch Coordination

Critics argue that while Israel occasionally turns off Gaza’s power grid during attacks, they could at least throw up a few jungle gyms with solar panels so Hamas can keep coordinating strikes during nap time.

Israel to Rebuild Hamas Weapons Factories After Each Airstrike

In the name of fairness, Israel will soon be expected to provide construction workers, blueprints, and concrete for Hamas to rebuild their underground rocket labs and sniper nests. Some EU nations have already offered funding, as long as no Jews are involved in the project.

Israel to Issue Apologies for Surviving

The international community has issued a strongly worded memo suggesting Israel consider issuing a formal apology for not letting Hamas win. “The audacity of self- defense is triggering to many,” said a French diplomat – and the U.S. Democratic Party.

At press time, Hamas responded to the global sympathy campaign by releasing a hostage video – right before firing another rocket at a kindergarten. And yes, it was all blamed on Israel.