In light of the recent Coldplay concert cheating scandal – where a married man was caught on camera getting cozy with a woman he works with (also married) who was not his wife (oops!) – the public has spoken: if you’re gonna cheat, at least have the common sense not to do it in public.
So, for the love of God and your prenup, here are the top 8 places not to take your sidepiece unless you’re actively trying to become a trending topic on TikTok:
1. Coldplay Concerts (obvious)
You thought everyone was too busy crying during “Fix You” to notice your wandering hands? Think again. Thousands of fans, all recording, have seen you – and now your adultery is now someone’s phone wallpaper.
2. Church
Yes, even if you sit in the back pew. Especially if you sit in the back pew. Jesus sees you. So does Carol from the women’s ministry.
3. High School Reunions
Your ex, your spouse’s old friends, and that one guy who still holds a grudge from JV soccer are all watching. Good luck explaining your accompanying “coworker” in that low-cut dress.
4. Local Festivals
Nothing screams “please out me” like making out next to a corndog stand during the Tulip Time Parade.
5. Political Rallies
Yes, even if it’s the party that claims “anything goes” (Democrats), cheating at an anti-Trump protest just means you’re about to be featured in an angry Facebook post by someone’s aunt in a MAGA hat named Barb.
6. Company Picnics
Yes, Janet from accounting is hot. But HR is watching. So is your wife. And so is her best friend who you forgot works in the marketing department.
7. Your Kid’s School Play
Seriously? During “The Little Mermaid Jr.?” You’re cheating and ruining childhood memories? Bold move, sir.
8. The Oval Office
This one’s for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. We don’t need to see your “bipartisanship” in any form, in any place, at any time. It’s not scandalous – it’s traumatic. America has suffered enough. Save us from the therapy bills and keep any side-chick shenanigans out of the West Wing.
In Conclusion:
If you must wreck your marriage, at least have the basic strategic skills of a squirrel. Public events are for happy families and overpriced nachos – not your secret double life. But by all means, if you do want your face splashed across the internet with Coldplay playing in the background, be our guest – and we will judge you harshly.
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