Apparently, the American Dream has a return policy. And now that crossing the border isn’t the all- expenses-paid adventure it used to be under President Biden, some illegal aliens are deciding that life in the U.S. under President Trump just isn’t worth the hassle. They’re taking the hint, grabbing a $1,000 goodbye gift from the government, and boarding a one-way charter flight back home – voluntarily.
Thanks to a new DHS program called “Project Homecoming,” the government is literally paying illegal immigrants to pack up and go. And surprisingly, some are saying, “Sure, why not?” Using the CBP One app, these voluntary departures are now a thing – with the first charter flight carrying 64 migrants from Colombia and Honduras back to their home countries. The kicker? They might even be allowed to return legally someday because apparently, even deportation comes with a loyalty rewards program now.
Why the change of heart? We dug into the top 5 reasons these folks are waving goodbye to Biden’s Borderland Bonanza – and it’s not all about fear of ICE raids.
McDonald’s ruined everything.
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Remember when a double cheeseburger was two bucks and fries came hot, salty, and not in a cardboard thimble? Between the chicken Big Mac (WTF?), high prices, the recent packaging change for a medium fry, and an age-based ban inside some restaurants, illegal aliens are not “lovin’ it” at the Golden Arches. As one self-deporter in the midwest allegedly said, “If I wanted to pay $30 for a ‘value meal’ I’d move to Los Angeles. Instead, I’m taking $1,000 in Trump bucks to go back to Central America and live with my sister.”
They found out American reality TV is real.
At first, the illegal aliens thought The Bachelor, Love Island, and Naked and Afraid were satire. But once they realized grown adults are actually finding love in hot tubs while sobbing on national television, the culture shock was too much. “I didn’t cross a desert to watch a man named Chad give roses to 12 influencers,” one deportee allegedly said through tears.
They got tired of being called “Latinx.”
No one back home had ever heard the word “Latinx,” and now it’s on every government form, college brochure, and HR training video. “It sounds like a prescription drug with side effects,” one migrant joked. “And I still don’t know how to pronounce it without pulling a hamstring.”
They tried American pizza and called it a crime against cheese.
From pineapple toppings to cauliflower crusts, the American pizza experience has been a one-way ticket to disappointment for the foreign invaders. One group of illegal aliens reportedly left the country on foot after being served “Detroit-style” pizza with ranch drizzle and vegan bacon bits. Their official complaint? “That wasn’t pizza. That was a cry for help.”
The weather app lied – and so did Biden.
Some illegal aliens came to the United States expecting endless sunshine and palm trees – and a free ticket to Palm Springs. Instead, they got six months of lake-effect snow and tornado sirens when Republicans rerouted their busses to the midwest and the eastern part of the country. “Why does the sky throw ice in April?” one confused “traveler” asked. “This country is haunted.”
If the self-deporting trend continues, we may need to start offering exit interviews with therapy dogs and Taco Bell coupons. Because when gross pizza, inflation, and TikTok influencers become part of the “American experience,” even people who crossed continents start checking Expedia for the next flight out.
Hasta la vista, baby.
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