[Setting: Jerry’s apartment. Jerry Seinfeld, Elaine Benes, and George Costanza are seated around the table, discussing the latest news.]
Jerry: Did you guys hear about what happened at Duke University’s graduation ceremony?
Elaine: No, what happened?
Jerry: When I was introduced as the commencement speaker, a bunch of cheeseheads walked out in protest.
Cosmo Kramer (sliding through the front door and getting involved in the conversation): Walked out? Why would they do that? Were you wearing your blue tie again? Or those hideous sneakers?
Jerry: No, they were holding Palestine flags and chanting “Free Palestine.”
Elaine: I wasn’t aware that you have the power to free Palestine.
Jerry: I AM more powerful than most of you care to admit…
George: (skeptical look) Are you really?
Jerry: Not only am I powerful, I’m smart. Super smart. And Duke acknowledged that fact by giving me an honorary degree.
Kramer: What does that even mean? Why are they giving you an award – a degree – for NOT attending their college? For doing nothing.
Jerry: I’ll have you know that you can make a lot of money doing nothing. Or having a sitcom about doing nothing.
George: I’ve tried to do nothing for a while now and I’ve never found that to be true.
Elaine: You have to work at it. Jerry is a professional. You’re just a rookie.
George: A rookie? I’ve been trying to do nothing for at least 20 years…
Kramer: (channeling Yoda from Star Wars and imitating his voice): Do or do not. There is no try.
George: (rolling his eyes). I do a LOT. Food and sex. Those are my two passions.
Elaine: Well, you’re got one of those taken care of.
Jerry: Getting back to talking about me…So, I’m out there, giving this commencement speech, you know, dropping pearls of wisdom…And what do I get? Crickets. I might as well have been reciting the phonebook for all the attention I got.
Elaine: Oh, come on, Jerry. I’m sure they were hanging on your every word.
Jerry: Hanging on my words? More like hanging on to their smartphones for dear life. People don’t appreciate my message of hard work and paying attention. They prefer to scroll on their phones, order from Door Dash, and avoid hard work at all costs.
George: (looking up from his phone): What? Sorry…I was ordering pizza…and texting my boss that I won’t be at work tomorrow because I have a cold.
Elaine: You don’t have a cold.
George: Just remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it.
Elaine: Yada, yada, yada…
(Door Dasher comes to the door with two pizzas which Kramer takes and places on the table).
Kramer: (looking horrified) Napkins! Where are the napkins?!!! $200 to deliver two pizzas and they can’t even remember the napkins!!!
Jerry: There are bigger problems in the world.
Kramer: Like what?
Jerry: World hunger, nuclear war, living under Democrat politicians…
George: Of the three, I choose world hunger.
Jerry: Choose it for what?
George: If I had to suffer through one of those things, world hunger would be the best option.
(Elaine comes out of the bathroom and heads towards the pizza)
Kramer: (eating a slice of pizza and getting it all over his face)…I need a paper product! I have no napkins!!! Elaine, go grab the toilet paper out of the bathroom!
Elaine: Sorry, I don’t have a square to spare.
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