As most of you know, I am a completely altruistic and giving person. My heart just bleeds buckets of blood for the flyover country culturally unenlightened and summer tourist rube…er…um…I mean citizen…who wants to experience the unique charm that is our nation’s capital.

Some of you may have tasted those delights on January 6th of last year. Naughty naughty. But for those not particularly interested in a portable gallows or multitudes of cretins waving flags and breaking windows, I, out of the beating breast of service, offer this guide to average American families who may be considering a jaunt to our imperial city, a place I regularly work, play, and live within a drunken Uber ride of.

The first thing you will want, of course, is to experience demographic diversity. Ah yes, such wonders. Thus a wonderful and youthful place to start would be to frequent a chic bistro or bar on U Street. U Street offers…

Ummm, well, perhaps we’ll skip that for now. Let us change locales and wax eloquent over the affluent and beautiful Washington section of…

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Cough…cough…well…I…Let’s try a different method. How about short punchy candor, eh? We do that better anyway.

U Street and anyplace that features anyone sporting a tattoo: Stay away. This area is full of trendy beer joints where they will charge you $9 for a PBR. It services the under 30 DC Democrat crowd. So all the females are angry lesbians or conformist airheads and the men wear hair buns and smell of weed. They can draw a shooting or two because any miscreant knows no one can or will shoot back.

Nats Stadium/Navy Yard: Safe territory for a family or for anyone wearing a MAGA hat. Last time I was drinking here the brew pub was hosting one NRA event and rambunctious hockey fans had deluged the joint in anticipation of a Caps game later that night. Kids and parents cavorted out on the street with no problem and the jostling crowds did not seem scruffy at all.

The Mall: Very nice. Just avoid left wing protesters and parades. They are legion. Best bets are Air & Space, reminiscent of when we had national cojones; Natural History, explore a time when it was fun and altogether proper to explore unknown American vistas, meet noble indigenous peoples, and kill them; and the National Gallery which, aside from stomping on Nazis and Communists, is the best thing ever done with our tax dollars.

Cigars and booze: Lots on tap here. For a good stick at a decent venue try Shelly’s Back Room. No cigar tax in DC. The boys and girls here like their smoke filled rooms. So smoke ’em if you got ’em, or if you’re trying to impress a foreign client from a nation that will decapitate you for looking sideways at a crossing guard.

For drinking try Bullfeathers, the Irish Times, the Hawk and Dove, The Monocle, the Old Ebbitt Grill, or a plethora of other interesting watering holes. Lots of other cool dives too. Bring cash. Not cheap. Stay away from any establishment where can be spied anyone under 50. Those bluestockings will ruin any good drinking spectacular.

And as you wander about, be joyous in the knowledge that most of what you survey is kept in business by your tax dollars. It’s a fair trade really. A lot of DC gets to live in a recession proof adult playground for people who couldn’t get a date to prom and you get to pay for it because, well, they’re better than you. Right?