For those of you interested in American history, specifically presidential history, the satirical “In a Mass Knife Fight to the Death Between Every American President, Who Would Win and Why?” by Geoff Micks is the funniest thing I have ever read on American presidents.
Micks takes every president and issues him a commando knife. Then he puts them all in a space the size of the Roman Coliseum and says have at it. The floor is concrete and they are indoors. There can only be one survivor. Here are some of the more amusing descriptions of presidential action.
“John Quincy Adams: That man had a murderer’s face, a murderer’s eyes, and a murderer’s haircut.
Andrew Jackson: A guy who can beat a would-be assassin within an inch of his life with a cane is going to be a murder machine when provided with an implement designed to end a man’s life.
John Tyler: Five minutes into the scrap, people would ask each other, “Who was that again? Why is Jackson wearing his scalp as a beret?”
Zachary Taylor: If Lincoln and Jackson give him an inch, he’ll bury six inches between their ribs before Roosevelt righteous-indignation’s him to death.
William Howard Taft: Dead early, and his corpse might well be used as a low wall or some sort of artificial hill to lend advantage to his conquerors.
Franklin D. Roosevelt: I see FDR going far, but at some point Old Hickory or Honest Abe is going to be spooked by the futuristic chair and lash out. That’ll be the end of him.
Jimmy Carter: Carter and a knife fight is a comical thought to me. Among the first dead would be my suspicion.
Barack Obama: In an arena full of knife-wielding war veterans, I don’t hold out a lot of hope that he’d make it through the first few minutes.” That’s Micks. I’ll handle the last two presidents..
Donald Trump: A big guy and devious, he’s a possible top twenty contender. As a populist comrade, bloodthirsty killer robot Andrew Jackson would have his back, for a while. But Jackson wasn’t a fan of personal insults. So when Trump starts verbally lacerating opponents Jackson will become annoyed and may abandon him. Or worse. Plus, all the Ivy League presidents will consider fellow Ivy Leaguer Trump a sellout for playing to the yokels using their own garbled populist patois. Won’t make the top ten and will give an idiotic death speech.
Joe Biden: As the oldest and most feeble guy in the arena…
"Just stay." pic.twitter.com/Op74B3N416
— Charlie Spiering (@charliespiering) April 18, 2022
…he may be the first to go. His dementia won’t help either, as Joe may try to forge an alliance with someone like J.Q. Adams or Dick Nixon about two seconds before he gets stabbed in the eyes by one or both of them. Without Jill around to protect him, he’ll probably be easily kebobed by some fearsome mountain of a man, by a veritable gore-soaked giant…like James Madison.