I think it’s obvious to all of us what is going to happen at Joe Biden’s first press conference. He’ll have a teleprompter. He’ll have a listening device in his ear. He’ll answer pre-approved questions by pre-approved reporters.

Here’s my prediction of how the press conference will go.

REPORTER:

How difficult has it been to govern the country after a chaotic and destructive Trump presidency?

BIDEN:

Very hard. I have to sign my name a lot to get rid of all of the things he did to make America great… I mean, to NOT make America great. You know, stuff like the border wall and energy independence. You know, that’s not good for anyone. Come on, man.

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REPORTER:

What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?

BIDEN:

Well, usually I go with butter pecan but if I’m really feeling adventurous, I’ll get two scoops of vanilla.

REPORTER:

What do you think of the Dr. Seuss controversy?

BIDEN:

I don’t like green eggs and ham so that is where I stand on the issue.

REPORTER:

Will you be debating Putin?

BIDEN:

No, but it doesn’t really matter. He can’t change my mind about green eggs and ham.

REPORTER:

How are things going with your relationship with the first female Vice President?

BIDEN:

Things are going great with President Harris. She follows me around a lot and was very concerned about my walk up the stairs into Air Force One. She was even seen on the stairs moments before I walked up. She’s very concerned about me.

REPORTER:

Are you feeling okay after you fell three times?

BIDEN:

I did not fall at all. 

I do not like the border wall.

I do not like green eggs and ham.

I do not like them Biden I am.

REPORTER:

What happened on the stairs if you didn’t fall?

BIDEN:

I was doing an inspection on the carpet to make sure it was EPA-compliant. We don’t want any arsenic or biocarbons or cake frosting getting into the ecosystem. Global warming is a real emergency. If we don’t act tomorrow, we won’t be here yesterday. It’s a real problem.

FOX NEWS PETER DUCEY (snuck into the press conference):

Maybe you should fly a little less then? Maybe reduce your carbon footprint?

BIDEN:

Jim Acosta…. Where’s Jim Acosta?

JIM ACOSTA:

Dearest Biden, what’s the hardest part about being President?

BIDEN:

It’s the dinner order. Do I get steak or chicken? Blueberry pie or cherry? Too many decisions. Too many decisions. It’s a real problem.

REPORTER:

What are your comments about the recent shooting at the grocery store?

BIDEN:

It’s really sad. It’s about guns. It’s all about guns. All about guns. We have to take away the guns. Too many people dying. Too many people getting shot.

PETER DUCEY (snuck back into the press conference a second time):

You didn’t mention that the guns were the problem when talking about the shooting in Texas at the spas.

BIDEN:

That was all about the Trump supporters. We don’t have any proof but it’s all about discrimination and white supremacy. Racism. All about racism. They went after the Asians. The guns didn’t have anything to do with it. The white supremacists did the shooting, not the guns. It’s all about the racists. It’s a real problem.

REPORTER:

Oh, I almost forgot. What are your comments about the crisis at the border?

BIDEN:

It’s not a crisis. It’s not even a challenge. It’s a party. The future Democrat voters are getting bags of Funyuns, Monster drinks, cash, movies, soccer games, cool tin foil blankets and soon they’ll have free hotel rooms where they can decompress with microwave popcorn and Netflix. They’ll be calling all of their friends from their hotel room and they will tell them to come to the good ole U.S.A. to get a free hotel room and snacks from the man. I’m the man.

REPORTER:

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Mr. President. Thank you so much for being the most transparent President either and spending 11 minutes with us.