President-Reject Joe Biden recently named his German Shepherds to be co-chairs of the United States Nuclear Commission. 

As co-chairs, they will serve as the eyes and ears for their dad and give him recommendations on which countries to attack.

In a much-covered press conference, pre-empting all television shows, Biden announced these two new Cabinet choices with great pride. He said, “Chump and Millie… I mean Champ and Major… will be appointed to the Head of the Treasury…Nuclear Commission…when I become Senator…Vice President… I mean ‘The Big Cheese’ otherwise known as the Head Executioner…Executive…”

Champ and Major will be the first K9 immigrants from outside DC to hold the post and although they are both male dogs, they don’t gender-identify in any capacity except with their bathroom habits when lifting their leg.

After finding out that their brother, Hunter, was able to capitalize on their father’s political positions, they demanded to have a job within the Harris/Biden cabinet. They will also be meeting with their Chinese counterparts as soon as February.

Major, born in 2018, is a rescue dog, has experience for the position according to Senator Elizabeth Warren’s Golden Retriever, Bailey.  

Do you think it's ok Jeff Bezos doesn't pay taxes, takes a trip to space and still asks the US taxpayer for $10B?

By completing the poll, you agree to receive emails from and that you've read and agree to our privacy policy and legal statement.

Bailey says that Major was in a litter that was rescued after being exposed to a toxic substance in a home. The family was unable to afford veterinary care for the puppies. So Major will be able to withstand any nuclear issues because he’s toxic-safe now.

Champ, who is about 12 years old, was bought from a breeder in Pennsylvania after Obama won the election and Joe became the VP. Champ is also a good pick to be in the nuclear agency. He drinks a lot of water and water is needed in nuclear production.

Champ and Major have started a charity called the “Biden Bone Foundation” but don’t worry, they won’t be trading any favors for treats (wink-wink).

Champ says that he’s looking forward to moving back into the White House – but having better digs than the last time. Major is already demanding prime rib breakfast from the kitchen staff. He’s been described as “high maintenance” by sources close to the situation.

An anonymous stray cat we’ll identify as “Kitty” who roams near the White House isn’t too happy with the dogs who will be moving into the presidential mansion and taking up space on the lawn of the White House. 

Kitty appreciated “dog-hating Trump” because without any first dogs, he didn’t have to worry about being chased off the grounds. Kitty is organizing a “cats lives matter” protest for sometime in January.

Joe and Jill are also looking into adopting a cat soon who will most likely be a part of Homeland Security.