Tuesday, 9pm, Cleveland…
“Thank you both for being here. As moderator and a member of the press, I’ll be sure to bring my profession’s long record of objectivity to these proceedings. The first question is to you Mr. Vice President, what is your favorite color?”
“Blurg. Chris, my favorite color is blurg.”
“Did you say ‘blurg,’ sir?”
“I did Chris.”
“Masterful answer. Now to you Trump. When did you first recognize you were a racist madman?”
“The first night I ‘dated’ your mother.”
“Which mother? My wet nurse, my nanny, or my mommy?”
“All three, simultaneously.”
“I’d like to interject, Chris. ”
“Go ahead President Biden.”
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“I remember my mammy. We’d go up and down on the porch swing, me in my little sailor suit, she in her black leather bustier…..”
The debate resumes after ten minutes. Biden is clearly drooling and pills are falling out of his mouth. His jacket is on backwards. Trump has somehow acquired a martini, a cigar, and is chatting up Chris Wallace’s wife.
“We apologize to the audience. A klieg light was destroyed by the intense glare off of the Vice President’s skull. We’ll resume the questioning with Mr. Trump. At what point did you decide to destroy the soul of humanity by your merciless hate of puppies and kittens?”
The president ignores Wallace and is on his phone, “No. Really? Pictures with how many of them? 6? All albinos? And what is Wallace wearing? Oh, gotta go…Did you ask me something?”
“Yes. At what point…” Biden is now spinning around like a top and barking like a cocker spaniel. He has taken off his pants and changed into a tutu.
“Chris, don’t you think we should do something about Joe?” Biden is growling at a cameraman.
“I don’t see anything wrong. What I see is a sensitive man, unlike you, expressing himself in performance art. And may I say, it is a wonderful and poignant metaphor for the kind of leadership this country needs.”
“The country needs a howling lunatic dressed as a ballerina?”
“You shut up! How would a brute like you understand the sensitivity of a man like Joe Biden! You, with your billions and supermodel wife. Joe has suffered, like me! Having all those big kids take your lunch money. Every day! It…”
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Wallace has been replaced by Jill Biden. Bill Barr has appeared on stage dressed in a full length devil’s costume and is jabbing Joe Biden with a plastic trident. Barr and the president are hysterically laughing. Biden is on his back pawing at the air.
“Make it stop Dr. Jill!”
“Now Joe, it’s only Bill Barr. He’s been doing this for months. You enjoy it, remember?…Joe, take your shoe out of your mouth. That game is only for at home.”
Biden suddenly gets up, straightens himself out and steps up the podium. All are stunned. He adjusts his tie and speaks confidently to the audience, “When Barack and I decided to frame Trump with the Russian thing…..”
(TECHNICAL INTERRUPTION AND SHUT DOWN SET)