It was a debate a long time coming. Many thought it wouldn’t happen but it did.
Maxwell Biden and Buddy Trump squared off in what many have called the decisive moment of the 2020 election to be top dog.
Maxwell, a tan Chihuahua who came from a show dog breeder in Ohio went up against Buddy, an orange-colored shaggy mutt of unknown origin out of an animal shelter in Tennessee.
Moderating the debate was Rachel MadDog of leftist MSNBC fame.
The debate was held virtually because Biden was afraid to come out of his crate due to a rabies outbreak and the fact that Trump is known to bark really loud.
Biden’s 18 handlers sat in a roundtable around his crate, while Trump ran around an airport hanger, jumping on onlookers and ripping apart an Amazon box while he waited for the debate to begin.
Three people close to the situation also reported that Trump peed on a CNN reporter.
Finally, the time came and MadDog went right at it.
MadDog: Biden, is it true that you have been seen eating ketchup on your eggs?
Biden: It wasn’t a personal choice. I am a Chihuahua. I am short and can’t open the refrigerator. I am given certain foods during the day and I have to eat what I’ve given or I will starve. Do you want me to starve? There are millions of children starving all over the United States every day. Ketchup is a fruit. Breakfast is a very important meal every morning. Or sometimes at night. Night time is the right time. Come on, man.
MadDog: Trump, what is the capitol of Azerbaijan?
Trump: I believe that would be the letter “A.”
MadDog: No, I’m asking about which city is the capitol. C-A-P-I-T-O-L.
Trump: Thank you for clarifying. I believe the capitol of Azerbaijan is Baku, their largest city. It’s in the Caucasus region and on the Caspian Sea. Azerbaijan became independent from the Soviet Union when it ended in 1990.
MadDog: It was 1991, sir. And didn’t your great grandfather invest in the dog bone market with the Russians and isn’t your family still profiting off the backs of the children who are forced to work in the dog bone factories?
Trump: That’s fake news. My great grandfather had no access to the financial market. He was a dog. He ATE bones. He did not invest in them. Where do you get your information, from CNN?
MadDog: Sir, I don’t think “being a dog” is an adequate defense of your family history and corruption.
Trump: My great grandfather was a very stable genius but he didn’t have any money to invest in dog bones. You don’t know what you’re talking about –
MadDog: Biden, what is it like having Barack Obama as a friend?
Biden: It’s great, man. He’s clean and articulate. He’s a mainstream African-American and he’s a nice looking guy. I met him a few times when hanging out with Bo and Sunny.
MadDog: Trump, is it true that you’ve caused the global rabies pandemic, that up to this moment in time, has killed 878 million dogs and has caused Biden to quarantine in his basement?
Trump: The rabies virus is from China. It’s a China virus. I closed the gates and the dog kennels to China and Europe and saved billions. It’s something that no one else has ever done before. Never in history. Saved billions. Never done before. It was a virus the likes of which we have never been seen before and I saved billions. And Biden has been in his basement for years.
MadDog: Biden, what’s the most challenging part of doing interviews?
Biden: It’s the hard questions. They’re thrown at you out of nowhere, man. Hey, you know what – you’re a lyin’ dog-faced pony soldier. Hold on…. (adjusts his ear piece)… No, bad answer. Please change the subject, Joe, and talk about bold action for low cost bacon treats…
MadDog: Trump, is it true that you peed on a bed in Russia while you were wearing a pink dress?
Trump: First of all, it was in Canada. I was left in the hotel for hours and couldn’t get outside. Second of all, it wasn’t a dress. I was wearing a pink pantsuit for a Halloween party that my family was invited to. I would have preferred purple.
MadDog: Biden, have you had an agility test to prove your fitness for the position of top dog?
Biden: No, I haven’t taken a test. Why the Hell would I? I am constantly tested. I can tell, you, man, I know the difference between an elephant and a lion. You have to run a lot faster if a lion is after you. You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have an elephant. Yes we can. Hope is change. What are you, on catnip or something?
MadDog: What kind of therapies are in the works to save American dogs from the rabies pandemic that you have unleashed across the world?
MORE NEWS: Too Early For 2024?
Trump: The rabies virus is from China. It’s a China virus. But we’re working at warp speed to save billions. This has never happened to any one else before. Just me. And we’re making great progress. Obama left the shelves bare. Nothing left. I didn’t cause this pandemic but I’m going to fix it. Just me. We’re making great progress. We have a new pill that takes something like an ultra violet light and puts it with something like a bleach and then you’re well again. It’s like a washing machine. It cleans you out and you’re clean. I’ve never seen anything like it.
MadDog: Don’t you think it’s a little irresponsible to tell dogs to ingest bleach?
Trump: That’s not what I said, MadDog. Where did you get your brains from, a cereal box?
MadDog: I haven’t been impeached.
Trump: And I haven’t peed on a bed in Russia but that didn’t stop you from talking about it for three years. Why don’t you try a new job that you’re qualified for like a trash collector or pizza delivery driver.
MadDog: Thanks to both of you. This concludes the first debate between Biden and Trump. Tune in for more in the future.
Biden: Not if I can help it. I mean, great. Thanks. See ya soon.