Country music star Granger Smith opened up this week about the guilt he feels and the prospect of forgiving himself one year after his 3 year-old son River died in a tragic drowning accident.

Smith and his wife Amber sat down with People to talk about their healing journey over the past year, and the guilt that they still feel to this day.

“[Returning to performing after River’s death] was terrible. But I knew that would be a critical part of my healing process, and my gut instinct was right,” Smith said, adding that the worst part was thinking that the audience was “staring at me like, ‘There’s the failed father up there.'”

Smith added that even though he knows he did everything he could to save River, he still feels a ton of guilt.

“I know that there’s going to be a time when I’m going to forgive myself, but I’m not there yet,” he said, with Amber adding, “I don’t know if we ever truly will be able to forgive ourselves. I pray that we can. I hope we can.”

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On the night of June 4, 2019, Smith was playing outside with his three young children while Amber took a shower.

While focusing on his older two children, Smith did not see River breach the pool fence gate’s child-proof lock and head to the water.

“It’s not like the movies,” said Smith.

“To comprehend that you could lose someone to drowning 20 feet from you doesn’t make any sense unless you know how that process works and that it’s so silent. There isn’t splashing or gurgling or kicking. There wasn’t even a splash going in.”

Since River’s death, Smith and his wife have been leaning on their Christian faith.

“For me, that’s pretty much all I’ve had,” said Smith.

“My brain is not capable of calculating that magnitude of a loss, and then I have to realize that I don’t have to. I can lean on a higher power for that and know that my little boy is in a better place.”

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In the end, Smith said that his grief journey has caused him to “truly shed layers.”

“I feel wiser. I feel more in tune spiritually,” he explained. “I feel more aware of our present moment and the value in the present moment, the value in the current breath that we have.”

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This piece originally appeared in UpliftingToday.com and is used by permission.

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