Canada has once again exported massive amounts of wildfire smoke into Michigan, and unlike maple syrup, hockey players and Canadian bacon, nobody asked for it.
So perhaps it’s time to start charging.
After all, Americans pay fees for just about everything these days. Bags at the grocery store. Checked luggage. Toll roads. Convenience fees that are rarely convenient. Why should millions of tons of unwanted Canadian smoke get to cross the border for free?
Introducing the Canadian Smoke Tariff
The federal government could slap a tariff on every Air Quality Alert caused by Canadian wildfires. The worse the Air Quality Index, the bigger the bill.
AQI hits orange? $100 million.
Red? $250 million.
Purple? Congratulations, Ottawa. You just bought Michigan 4 million new air filters.
The Great Lakes Airspace Fee
Or Canada could also be charged an “airspace usage fee” every time its smoke drifts south across the international border. Airlines pay to use airports. Trucks pay tolls. Canadian smoke should at least have an E-ZPass with a balance due at the end of the summer.
And if Canada refuses to pay? America could deduct the money from something Canadians care about – perhaps NHL revenue or maple syrup exports.
Billing Canada for wildfire smoke might create a few minor legal and diplomatic complications – but until our northern neighbors figure out how to keep their smoke on their side of the border, Michigan residents should at least be allowed to send Ottawa the receipts for air purifiers, HVAC filters, medical bills, and every outdoor summer plan that was ruined by skies that look like the apocalypse.
Sorry, Canada. The free trial is over.