Fresh off being given the Nobel Peace Prize medal by Venezuelan politician and activist María Corina Machado, President Donald Trump reportedly spent the past week accepting a rapidly expanding collection of prestigious honors from people who had already won awards themselves but thought Trump was the one who actually deserved them.
According to sources close to the situation, Nobel laureates, Medal of Freedom recipients, and at least one guy with a laminated “Employee of the Month” plaque all felt compelled to honor Trump for achievements ranging from preventing wars to renegotiating trade deals to driving certain people absolutely insane by existing.
In addition to the recycled awards, Trump also received the following honors:
- Presidential Medal of Freedom – Why not give it to yourself? It’s more convenient.
- Kennedy Center Honors – When you’re Chairman, it’s a lot easier to give yourself the award – or pressure others to give theirs to you.
- The People’s Choice Award – Oh yeah, that already happened. That was the 2024 election.
At press time, Trump was rumored to be nominated for the Future Nobel Prize for Events That Haven’t Happened Yet, while politely declining the Grammy for Living Rent-Free in Everyone’s Head, saying, “I don’t need it. Everyone knows I already won.”
New awards are also being developed just for Trump. They include:
- The Preemptive Peace Prize, for not starting World War III despite being told daily that he would.
- The Lifetime Achievement in Triggering Media Panels Award, presented by former Pulitzer winners who now scream for a living and make up bad things about Trump.
Insiders say the awards aren’t slowing down anytime soon. A bipartisan panel is also reportedly fast- tracking the creation of the “Most Blamed for Everything” Medal, while several universities are considering honorary degrees in Wrongthink, Chaos Engineering, and Advanced Media Meltdown Studies. Trump, for his part, remains humble. “It’s a lot of awards,” he said. “Some say too many. I say not enough. But don’t worry – we’ll make room. Probably in my new golden ballroom.”