Another trove of Epstein files were released recently, immediately answering every unresolved conspiracy theory Americans have ever argued about online at 2 a.m.
According to the documents, Jeffrey Epstein didn’t just have a mysterious client list. He apparently had the universe’s most efficient secret-keeping operation, staffed by Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and “someone who looked a lot like Elvis, but younger.”
Among the bombshell revelations:
Bigfoot was responsible for shredding key evidence for Epstein because of his large hands and having no fingerprints. “Perfect hire,” Ghislaine Maxwell said in a memo.
The Loch Ness Monster served as Epstein’s offshore accountant, laundering money through “deep, murky waters where audits fear to tread.”
Marilyn Monroe’s death? Solved. She “knew too much” – specifically about Epstein (who was about nine-years old when she died), JFK, RFK, and why McDonald’s ice cream machines never work.
The Kennedy assassinations were finally clarified after decades of debate. The files conclude JFK was killed by a “single, magical bullet” that not only changed direction mid-air but later went on to assassinate RFK and was hidden on Epstein’s island.
The files also claim Epstein personally financed Area 51’s gift shop, funded chemtrail research, and once hosted a dinner party attended by Tupac, Princess Diana, and a man listed only as “Q.”
Even more troubling: hundreds of pages were uncovered with only the phrases “Bermuda Triangle,” “Jimmy Hoffa” and “socks in the dryer” with everything else redacted.
Government officials urged the public not to “jump to conclusions” or “notice patterns” in the documents and photos – advice promptly ignored by online sleuths who immediately zoomed in on every background reflection and looked through every framed photo.
At press time, Americans across the political spectrum agreed on one thing: every mystery in human history has finally been solved and somehow made even more confusing at the same time. Government officials assured the public that justice is “still coming,” though Bigfoot remains at large and the Loch Ness Monster has lawyered up.