In what experts are calling “the least surprising leak of the year,” President Donald Trump’s Christmas list has allegedly found its way into the public domain – and, yes, it’s exactly the mix of bravado, trolling, and policy demands everyone predicted.
Sources inside the North Pole (who requested anonymity because elves aren’t supposed to talk to the press without going through Mrs. Claus) say Santa gasped only once while reading the list – and that was because it was written entirely in gold Sharpie.
Here are the top five items reportedly scribbled across 67 pages of monogrammed DJT stationery:
A Border Wall LEGO Set
Trump apparently wants an updated edition with 10,000 pieces – with Mexico paying for the shipping. Elves are divided on whether this counts as infrastructure or a toy.
Presidential Debate Rematches
Even though Trump obviously won the last presidential debate he had against former President Biden (and made Harris look like the incompetent idiot that she is in his debate with her) – sources say Trump specifically requested new debates and a referee “who doesn’t interrupt me when I’m interrupting someone else.” He also wants to be able to issue time-outs to moderators.
A Lifetime Supply of Giant and Very Thick Executive Order Sharpies
Trump’s Christmas list specifies: “My new Sharpies must be so huge that when I sign things, you can barely see the executive order binder.”
A ‘Do Over’ Button for the Entire Biden Administration
Trump allegedly wants a giant red button on the Resolute Desk labeled “REVERSE,” which, when pressed, undoes the last four years like in those time-travel Christmas movies.
A Mount Rushmore Ornament – With Extra Space for One More Face
Trump reportedly asked for “a tasteful but noticeable expansion panel” so the ornament can “accurately reflect American greatness.” Santa has placed this in the “We’ll See” pile.
When reached for comment about Trump’s Christmas list, the White House released a short statement: “The President believes Christmas is about giving – specifically giving him the things he thinks he already deserves.”