In a dazzling display of political bravery, Democrats pulled out all the stops to keep the government closed for as long as possible. For a party that worships big government, it seemed a bit strange that they wanted to keep it shut down – but they had their reasons to keep the lights off.
According to party insiders, the shutdown was finally giving politicians the peace and quiet they felt they deserved. With federal agencies closed, bureaucrats were at home in sweatpants enjoying their time off while airports fell into chaos.
With the government shut down, Democrats lamented that they were just starting to enjoy themselves. They were also feeling like everything was going their way politically even though Americans were getting hurt.
“We were THIS close to proving Republicans hate America,” said one Democratic strategist, “and then eight of our own senators ruined the vibe by voting to reopen things. Traitors.”
Sources say Democrats had a handful of extremely important reasons for keeping the government sealed tighter than the White House cookie jar:
SNAP chaos was polling well
Nothing motivates voters like hunger-induced rage – and Democrats didn’t want to lose that momentum heading into 2026.
Airport meltdowns were making Republicans look bad
“Why fix flight delays when you can weaponize them?” asked one Democratic media consultant. CNN reportedly had a counter chyron ready to go to document every holiday airline delay and cancellation.
Shutdown was a good diversion while they worked on Epstein accusation
With the government closed, Democrats had time to work on their next Trump scandal (hoax). While Americans suffered, the Democrats worked on the timing to release Epstein emails (yep, it was on the day that the government shutdown vote took place in the House).
No government = no paperwork.
Democratic offices reportedly enjoyed all of their days off – with no FOIA requests they needed to fulfill, no budget memos to work on and no required interactions with constituents who were calling in and demanding answers. “It was paradise,” sighed one staffer.
Chaos is on-brand.
As one House Democrat put it: “If the government isn’t careening toward a disaster, are we even doing democracy the right way?”
But the government is open again and the party must now cope with fully operational agencies, functional airports, and voters who can buy groceries again.
Don’t worry, though. They promise another crisis is coming soon.