WASHINGTON, D.C. — After lawmakers in Washington, D.C. failed to pass a budget, the government has officially shut down. And like clockwork, Democrats are curled up in the fetal position, crying about “vital” things they can no longer enjoy. But the things they are most upset about have to do with their own creature comforts.
1. Free Latte Refills at Congressional Cafes
Capitol Hill coffee machines have gone dark, leaving lawmakers and staffers wandering the halls like caffeine-starved zombies. Reports confirm that one intern tried to boil Nancy Pelosi’s shoe leather for espresso.
2. Federal Duck Counting Program
Without funding, Democrats warn of a catastrophic “duck gap” that could threaten climate data, pond equity, and gender-neutral wetlands everywhere.
3. Free Emotional Support Cats for Congress
With no taxpayer-funded therapy cats to help them cope, Democrats are forced to talk to each other. That alone has caused three breakdowns and one emergency yoga circle.
4. Studies That Cost $3 Million to Discover Obvious Things
Groundbreaking research like “Eating Too Many Donuts May Cause Weight Gain” and “People Don’t Like Taxes” are indefinitely suspended. Scientists are devastated; taxpayers are not.
Democrats claim America is “on the brink of collapse” without these essential services. Republicans, meanwhile, have noted that the lights still turn on, the grocery store still sells bread, and the Constitution hasn’t combusted no matter how many times the Democrats have lit it on fire.