In today’s breaking news, experts close to the situation have confirmed that every single hate crime against Christians, law enforcement and innocent Americans around the globe has been committed by white MAGA extremists – despite the awkward detail that the suspects are consistently progressive activists, Antifa members, or Democrat voters.
According to official media guidelines, the “real evidence” isn’t motive, manifesto, or arrest records. It’s skin tone. “We know the perpetrators are white,” explained one network anchor. “And in our stylebook, ‘white’ is just another word for MAGA.” Case closed.
Police reports that identify the criminal suspects as leftist activists are being swiftly reclassified as “clerical errors.” Meanwhile, journalists are instructed to add phrases like “right-wing climate of hate” and “dog whistles” into their narratives.
“This isn’t bias – it’s equity in reporting,” said one CNN newsroom editor. “Why let facts get in the way when the storyline already tests so well with our focus groups?” Democrats found short-term success branding the Kirk assassin as MAGA, so they dusted off the playbook again on Wednesday, September 24 – this time with the ICE shooter – despite the anti-ICE rants scrawled on his unused ammunition.
Critics argue that labeling every crime as MAGA-driven is dishonest. But legacy media outlets point out that it’s far simpler than acknowledging that most violent perpetrators lean left. “We’d rather claim an Amish grandmother in a red hat masterminded the attack than admit an illegal alien trans vegan activist who hates climate change and Jewish people did it,” said another source.
In related news, sales of red baseball caps at Goodwill have mysteriously tripled. Officials assure the public this is further proof of extremist activity.